


That's all what's left, huh?

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Fix-It, Hurt, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, References to Depression, Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: They won, Cas is still dead.Celebrations are in order, but Dean really doesn't feel like it.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Castiel
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	That's all what's left, huh?

**Author's Note:**

> takes place immediately after 15x19. Basically, Dean's depressed despite their victory because what is life without Cas, now that he knows that the angel felt the same for him.

Looking back had always hurt him. It brought him pain and despair and hopelessness. That’s why Dean decided to stop contemplating the past and run towards the future, whether it was good or bad. He gave Cas’ death no thought, at least tried to, not only because it made him want to drink until he passed out, but because he knew there was no point in hurting himself with playing the scene over and over and over…  
When Jack had disappeared and he and Sam drove back to the bunker, their phones rang nonstop. Everyone wanted to thank them, see them, have a drink. They ended up inviting everyone over for drinks in the bunker two days from then. Dean hadn’t told Sam but he sneaked sips of whiskey from his flask while driving. He called it celebrating even though his mind was still cluttered with fear and confusion from his incident with Cas in the dungeon, which he desperately wanted to stop. He knew he had to keep going. The war might be over, but there were still monsters to be fought, demons to slay, people to mourn…  
By the time they reached Lebanon he was slightly tipsy and on the verge of tears. Sam hadn’t noticed his brother's outbreak or drinking, too busy with answering calls and text messages.  
Dean parked baby in the garage, determined to get into his room as fast as he could and locking himself in it until he was out of booze (hopefully he passed out before that happened) or worse. He knew his attitude was not in line with their victory or his decision to keep on living, keep on trying. He didn’t want to think about Cas’ death, didn’t want it to be in vain, but he sunk into a dark place, losing his will, struggling to take a breath until his body forced him to. The alcohol made him more vulnerable and careless, but that’s what he needed right now. He wanted to stop overthinking his feelings and fucking cry until he became numb or managed to drink himself into oblivion. Those ideas conflicting in his mind made him wince in pain and his head spun continuously, despite not even being that drunk yet.  
He ran through the corridors, ignoring Sam and his questioning looks, even when his little brother started calling his name. Sam shook his head and put his bag down on the map table. Dean’s sudden change in mood worried him, especially regarding his brother’s unresolved issues with Cas and his death. He wanted to knock on his door and ask him if he needed anything, when he heard a rustling behind him. Jack had appeared, smiling, a hand placed on Cas’ shoulder. 

“I told you I had a present for you.”, Jack grinned, dropping his hand and slowly starting to dematerialize again. Cas looked happy and heartbroken at the same time, his searching gaze barely concealing his desperateness.

“Where’s Dean?”

Sam wordlessly pointed towards his room and watched Jack disappear while Cas rushed down the hallway.

Dean was lying on the floor, his right hand clutching a bottle of southern comfort and his left turning up the volume on the Walkman currently playing his Led Zeppelin mix. The soft notes of ‘Stairway to Heaven’ rang in his ears and a tear slipped out of the corner of his eye and he shivered and cracked up underneath the heavy weight of grief. He whispered the lyrics now and again, emphasizing the word heaven whenever it was sung. His sobbing echoed from the walls and made Cas stop dead in his tracks in front of Dean’s door. He quietly listened to his voice, recognized the song in the process. He had heard it so many times on the tape Dean had made him, wondering if it’s inclusion meant more than the simple fact that it was beautiful. He tuned out angel radio and concentrated solely on Dean, on his longing. He felt him begging and praying behind the door and couldn’t help letting it affect him. One hand gently placed on the door, he called out Dean’s name. The sobbing stopped abruptly and the commotion behind the door led him to believe that Dean had knocked over some things as he stumbled towards him. 

Dean ripped open the door and stared at him. Unbelieving.

“Cas...” 

Dean’s voice broke as he reached out to touch the angel. He cupped his jaw as if to reassure himself that this was real, that this was really happening. Cas let out a sob that had built up inside of him and grabbed Dean’s wrist to steady himself.

“Yes.”, he whispered, stroking Dean’s hand tenderly with his thumb.

Dean pulled him in for a hug and held him tightly, afraid that if he let go, Cas would disappear again, leaving him with his feelings and nowhere to put them. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and rested his head in the nape of his neck. 

“I’m sorry I had to leave you. I’m sorry that I put you through this. I’m so-”

“Stop.”, Dean exhaled, exhausted by… everything, taking a deep breath before choosing his next words carefully.

“I love you, Cas, I don’t have enough time on earth or enough words to tell you how much, but I want you to know… I love you.” 

Dean let out a sigh and pulled Cas a bit closer than before, tightening his grip on the angel’s beloved trench coat and taking in the familiar mix of honey and sandalwood shampoo that enveloped Cas at all times. ‘Home’, was all he could think standing there, his worst fear crushed and able to shove the nagging doubts aside for a moment.

They stood there for several minutes reveling in the closeness of their bodies and the waves of relief crashing over them. Dean was the first to pull away and wipe his tears on his sleeve, keeping one hand on Cas’ neck, fearing he might be gone the moment he stopped having physical contact.

He pulled the angel into his room and closed the door shut, his hand continuing to rest on Cas. Dean kept on staring into his electric blue eyes, feeling himself falling and falling… taking another step until there were only a few inches separating their faces. Cas tilted his head slightly and closed his eyes.

It is then that Dean leapt forward and pressed his mouth against Cas’. Their lips moved against each other, desperate for contact, seemingly wanting to make up for all the time they’ve lost, all the time they’ve spent searching for something that wasn’t there just to find it elsewhere, so much better than they could have imagined, in each other. Dean moved his other hand up to Cas’ jaw and stroked over the stubble lovingly, feeling the angel’s pulse speed up beneath his fingers that wandered up and down his neck. Cas seized Dean’s flannel and pulled him closer, running his hands over Dean’s waist as his teeth eagerly nipped at the hunter’s bottom lip. Dean’s mouth broke into a smile and he deepened their kiss, pushing his tongue past Cas’ lips. Cas let out an approving noise, grasping Dean’s collar. They were both needy, but somehow managing to give, while taking everything from each other, because that’s all they wanted now. Dean doesn’t want to know what’s happening next, just feeling Cas beneath his hands and lips would be enough if he were to do it for the rest of his life. He can’t stop the tears streaming down his face, when he realizes the weight of the situation. 

“I love you.”, Dean whispers in all earnest, the words tasting sweet on his tongue as they leave him, spoken against Cas’ mouth between kisses. He repeats it like a spell, wanting Cas to remember this exact moment for eternity, remember his lips, his face, his confession.

“I don’t want you to leave...”

“Me neither”, Cas gasps, leaning his forehead against Dean’s.

They stay like this, clinging to each other in Dean’s room, letting time pass them by because it doesn’t matter anymore.


End file.
